You can take some steps to maximize your chances, but in the end, it’s always a gamble, and e-dating can’t change that. I’m a 33-year-old single Jewish guy in New York City.
If you get unlucky, your date will be a boring, unattractive loser or worse, a charming, good-looking loser who makes your life miserable.
She kept telling me I’ll never know when the Lord will come. We had met online at one of those e-dating sites, but I fear she had the wrong impression because I had lied on my profile, saying things, like “I’m caring”, or implying things, like that I’m single. ” The planchette, the plastic marker shaped like an upside-down heart with a clear, circular window in the middle, sits there on top of a particular sullen little girl, her face all anticipation of the disappointments and defeats of adulthood. After a little tussle, we stalemate between the two. So, even though it may surprise our conscious minds, it’s still us sending the messages, not the hereafter. Our hands, posed pensive over the plastic marker, remain still. I unhitch my belt and make a show of whipping it, daring, through my pants, though it gets snagged. “Not from the man who ranted on and on about earrings not counting.” “Fine, fine.” I pull off my polo shirt. That old where people wish you were dead so they could stop thinking about you.
A ninety-four-year-old ruining my rare visits with pleas for me to attend church, the tiny Baptist place full of well-wishers and jovial brimstone. I know that the Ouija board actually works on a simple conceit: that our unconscious mind has some control of our motor system, like whatever monitors our blinks, or the way body language gives away our only-partially-known desires. She surprises me by cradling her breast in one arm and bending the other behind her, unhitching.
“I’ll take the bait.” We reach for the planchette, she misses a little, touching my hand, letting a finger linger before getting set. I block everything out so that it takes a moment to realize the planchette isn’t moving to the YES or NO, but the letters, slowly sliding over them and pausing on certain ones, then repeating. “Just yes or no.” “I’m not doing it.” “Yes, you are. We’re the ones moving it.” “Then you’re as much to blame.” It spells it out again.
The kakis collect at my feet and I pull my socked feet out, careful not to let my boxers gape. ” I concentrate; not on my fingers, but in my mind, I see the inverted heart move to the NO.